I can’t understand it- No one can

I have a weird sense of humor. I really can’t understand myself sometimes.

The strangest things can happen, the oddest things and it will seem hilarious to me.

Once I was at a meeting at work, there were lots of people present, like my immediate supervisor, the guy on top of him. Even the guy who owns the company was in attendance but he stepped in, only briefly (or so he thought). While he was in the conference room he absent-mindedly picked up the inside of a tape dispenser that was lying on the table. (You know, the black circle shaped thing inside of the roll of tape, the thing no one notices.) He is the absent-minded professor profile, a super genius but always a little distracted, lost in thought. While talking he placed it on his finger, but when he tried to pull it off, it refused to budge. I giggled like a hyena. Not quietly. Not inconspicuously. I simply could not help it. It struck me as hilariously funny. Poor guy, till he managed to take it off it was a while. I was the constant background noise. I am amazed he didn’t send me out or something. It was highly unprofessional.

And yes, I am one of those people that laugh when people fall down. Hard.  The harder, the funnier. Its terrible.

Once a guy came in to see his therapist, and I buzzed him in. While getting in he slipped on the carpet. I laughed uproariously- and tried to keep it a little down. The poor individual turned beet red. When he got up, he slipped again. This time, I laughed without constraint.

Twenty minutes later, after wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes, I realized that I was super mean.

Later that evening while leaving the building I noticed the carpet was sticking up, so really he was not the klutz he looked like from my window.

I looked and burst out laughing again, just remembering the situation made it seem funnier all over again.

Gosh some people!

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And you think you’re being healthy!

I was in the mall, with a friend. That was when it struck me. I must have sunglasses-yesterday!

I mean I had a pair but they were too big and they made my nose feel sweaty. So we went into a store and began trying lots of pairs on.

Throughout the whole time I was a tad neurotic about the UV protection thing. Insisting that I would not even try them on if they weren’t.

“Otherwise,” I explained, “that I may as well be wearing none”

“Not necessarily.” My friend said.

“True, but if its not UV protected its even worse for your eyes. Because sunglasses will make your pupil even bigger while allowing more sunlight into your eyes if you weren’t wearing anything, your pupil will automatically get smaller.”

UV radiation from the sun can damage not only the skin of your eyelid but also  other parts of the eye. UV exposure also contributes to the development of certain types of cataracts and macular degeneration.

So finally after trying a ton on we decided which ones looked the best on me. I walked out with two pairs. When we were already in the car I noticed only one had a UV protection sticker. The other one did not. Obviously, the one I liked better was the one without the Ultraviolet protection.

“Oh well, I guess I will have to wear those only indoors!” I said.

Then I decided I really did not particularly feel like doing that- so I decided to find out whether or not my eyes are getting protection.

The basic summary is- unless you have a UV meter (and no, this is something I don’t! ;). Usually an optometrist does. The easiest solution? Go the eye doctor and schedule an appointment for a checkup and bring along your sunglasses. Then casually get into a conversation about it. Guide the conversation so he offers to check it for you on his machine.

(Hypothetically you can also go into an eyeglass store and ask- but that would be too simple!)

Let me know how it goes! I am still awaiting my appointment. I will keep you posted 😉

Keep Properly hydrated-even if its for everyone who has to put up with you!

For me irritation and inconsistency (with both in thought and behavior) is caused by a few things, one of which is dehydration.

When I say that I don’t mean fainting or anything major, what I really mean any stage beyond the chapped lips.

Lots of times I won’t even notice. Truthfully-no one does. But I am a thousand times more likely to let someone know how irritable I am with them.

On a date once the guy forgot to get me a drink I was so highly irritated that I began hating everything about him, and specifically for some reason his pants irked me to no end. This was highly amusing to everyone who knows me since I generally do not even notice that they were wearing pants much less the cut/style etc.

At work, once my boss gave me a whole stack of things to do and I hadn’t drunk anything all day. That was ba-ad. Since I told him no.

Just like that, “I’m sorry it is not going to work for me right now.”

(I think it was soon after we read (in school) Bartleby the Scrivener, a short story about a guy who refused to do lots of requests his boss asked of him.) Probably because to some extent everyone is affected by what one reads and some people are more affected then others. (This case was not peer pressure that is something else entirely 😉

It’s not just me. I think I am just one person who is more aware of it.

I know someone who was yelling a lot- one day – I went over to her and asked her if she drank anything. She was like, “come to think of it, no!” After giving her a cup of water she calmed down. Then she began speaking in a more rational tone of voice. From then on every time I heard her sound irritated I would hand her a cup of water. It would work for two reasons 1- she was most likely dehydrated and 2- By doing that she would realize that she is acting very irritable, and she should stop now.

That is like a stop sign in middle of a highway, for everyone.

If you ever come across a nasty individual, they are not necessarily a bad person, they are most likely dehydrated- that’s all! (Of course there ARE exceptions)

Some people are nasty always and right now they are dehydrated as well- steer clear of ANY of those types of people!  🙂

Did it ever occur to you that whatever you put onto your body goes directly inside of you?

This is fact becomes very apparent to those that use patches for medicinal purposes (ex: Daytrana patch, or the nicotine patch etc.) Kevin Trudeau in his books (I read a while ago) was all into this, and explained how dangerous it is (he was a tad extreme and told people not to wear deodorant- but I wont go there)
So why on earth do some of us put makeup on without thoroughly checking through all of the ingredients? (As an interesting side note- the FDA is very loosely involved with cosmetics and there has been evidence of toxic (like cancer causing) ingredients being found in makeup. FDA has done nothing about it. (I am guessing they are getting $ from ‘somewhere’ to look the other way)
What do I expect us to do? I mean lots of people need makeup to function on daily basis.
So late one night (okay, okay- I know I said not to pay attention to any late night decisions) I was googling homemade natural makeup recipes when stumbled across a whole bunch of them.
I was ecstatic, but then I remembered that it was waay past 1:30, and that it’s entirely too likely that I would think its ridiculous- when I woke up in the morning. So I put it all on hold for the next day. When I finally woke up (it was Sunday- I am totally allowed to sleep past 12:00 pm).
I began looking around the kitchen for some ingredients. We had corn starch -because one time I bought it because I wanted to make jelly candies- they turned out to be a level beyond disgusting. First I was going to make a base/foundation powder. It called for corn starch, potato starch, and cinnamon.  We had everything- so I was absolutely thrilled to pieces.
I put it on and used plain cinnamon as a bronzer. (cocoa is a better alternative since it doesn’t clog up your pores).
I asked my mother if she liked my new makeup. I constantly get new makeup and constantly asking her for her opinion, so this was not unusual. Of course I did not tell her that it was food otherwise she most likely have been somewhat biased.
“Yes- it looks really nice!” (that response was- unusual)
“Well guess what?”
“What?” she asked.
“All the ingredients are from our kitchen!”
She was shocked. I walked away laughing. Everyone else had similar reactions. (And yes- OF COURSE-my brother in law was around)
However, I do think that beneath their ‘shocked’ faces they were relieved it wasn’t made from something really bizarre.
I also read you can make any other types of makeup from mica (a type of mineral) in Latin mica means a crumb, andmicare means to glitter. Those are two basic characteristics of mica. They also come in a wide range of colors. (so yay! We can use them for blush and eye shadow! And for those that want cream eye shadow add Vaseline!)
When I was in the Middle East and I traveled to dessert and there were mountains of a wide range of colored sand. From blue and green to pink and purples – it was absolutely stunning and I made sand art with it. (and it sits happily on my dresser- next to my seashell collections) I also  took lots home. I wonder if this is mica. I did use it for makeup and loved how it looked (on my wallet- on my face on the other hand…. 😉
Another option for blush is- ever notice beets are a very dark color that stains your fingers? Well if you were to put them (first slice them into chips-thin slices) then put them in the oven on 245 degrees for 2 hours. When it cools off- blender it, and ta da-you have pink powder. It can be made into a blush (if its too dark for u add potato starch) or lipstick (just add Vaseline!) For a different color any berries will work. (And I have a ‘feeling’ it will take forever to come off as well – so yippee! 24 hour –lasting.
Activated Charcoal capsules can be used for eyeliner and for mascara -but for mascara you are gonna need to add other things like (beeswax, activated charcoal, coconut oil  and Aloe Vera gel heated on a saucepan).
Here is the one issue I have had with all this stuff. Once you do this, and wear this really healthy makeup you may feel that you are absolutely wonderfully healthy – wrong you have to do all this in conjunction with healthy habits. Don’t feel so smug – yes- I am talking to you – the person who never is healthy except for when you are!  🙂

Shoes Died? Or Dyed shoes?

I had this stunning pair of shoes. I wore it once, a year ago, for a siblings wedding. The shade of gray/silver matched my gown perfectly, but I never wore either of them again.

Which was a total waste, they are adorable shoes. My gown is nice too, but no one agreed to go  to  the mall wearing gowns, and I had no other occasion that I felt like wearing it for.

With all this floating around my subconscious, I was driving past a whole strip of stores.

I slowed my car and decided that, of course, I must go shopping this very second cuz I spotted a favorite store- Michaels!

Michaels is the store everyone who knows me well, hates going with me. I can get lost there for hours. I remember a time my mother was trying to get a hold of me, I never even heard my phone ring, I was ‘out of commission’ for four hours.

I was going up and down the aisles. Like a granny who left her cane at home. I looked at everything very carefully- I wouldn’t miss something cool.

All of a sudden I spotted it

Small packets of fabric dye ‘well I don’t want red, nothing I own very dressy comes in that color, and I want it to be versatile, plus this is really just a test anyways,’ I figured.

That was when I made the mistake of looking at my watch.

‘And, oh my, I gotta run, run, run’

So I ran ran ran.

When I finally got home (No- I refuse to tell you how many stores I stopped at till I got home – I can give you a hint though, more than five-not joking)

I read through the directions and began looking for the items it called for. It was like following a recipe (groan) but I decided to follow it (I drew my line by the wearing the gloves part)

A gallon of boiling hot water put in a stainless steel basin (who in the world owns that? I took one of my Moms soup containers) Then pour 4 T salt in the hot water (I complied- except I didn’t feel like measuring) Then pour the packet in and stir (Hey? The instructions didn’t tell me what to stir with! I couldn’t think of anything to stir it with, everything was too short, I tried utensils, ices, pretzel rods etc. Until I decided to use a fancy silk hanger from my brothers room I chose it because it was more sticklike than not) I began mixing it. (I felt like a witch stirring a cauldron, I could not hold back the urge to cackle) I dumped my shoes in and began stirring vigorously. Then I picked up one of my shoes “aaahhh they totally gyped me!” I yelled to no one. “My shoes are bright blue!” Then I looked back at the instructions oh- it says mix it for an hour, ha you think I have time for this?’

I walked off, the weather was gorgeous and I decided to walk around my neighborhood.

When I came back it was time!!

I pulled out my shoes-yay they did turn the right color- and dripped it all over the place, I brought it to the laundry room to dry.

The dying part took place in the bathroom, later when my Mom came home she was horrified. But when I showed her the shoes- and I promised to clean it up she calmed down.

I sometimes feel bad for all the gray hairs I give her. I am just glad she didn’t see my fingers.

Late one night, I decided to redo my lawn.

One night, I figured, since I have free time in the mornings, and our lawn needs help. (Due to unspecified individuals who feel the need to get out of the driveway by going on the grass, between trees, since they simply cannot wait until someone moves their car.)I would redo the lawn.

First some article explained that you must test whether your soil has an acidic or alkaline ph. They said either you can get a tester. However, I was didn’t feel like being in the car again.  Especially since I noticed recently, that whenever I go someplace, I always stop along the way if a store looks very inviting, or I feel a burning need to buy random items that you probably never heard of. A simple trip to the cleaners can turn into a four day excursion 😉

Another option they gave, was to take some soil from outside put it in a cup, add water. Then add vinegar if it fizzes – it’s alkaline. If there is no reactions take more soil with water and put baking soda if it fizzes than it’s acidic. If there is no reaction you probably don’t know what mud looks like so you should stop any attempt at gardening (LOL- I made that part up!)

Anyways I think it fizzed by baking soda. I wasn’t sure since there was no volcanic explosion like I imagined. But I figured that it was. I didn’t try it with the vinegar, since I had already decided it was acidic (because there are lots of pine trees around, not because I ate it or anything, for real).

I googled a YouTube video, on how to plant grass in acidic soil. A video popped out that looked like what I needed “How to fix brown spots in your yard in acidic soil,” (even though, at this point, most of the lawn is a brown spot, besides for the trees we have all over the place)

This corpulent individual stands in front of the camera, he looks like a real hick, and explains what he is going to be teaching me today, “how to fix those durn brown spots.” The first two minutes I simply cannot listen to a word he says because his head is bald as bowling ball, its even the same shiny, does he wax it? I wondered.

If he can’t make his head grow hair, how in the world could he be teaching me how to grow grass? Its struck me as- out of kilter.

Finally he began outlining exactly what has to be done; this was at 1:00 am.  In my head I began taking notes. The next morning I overslept and when I woke up, (finally) it was late and I had to get to work a short while after. I think subconsciously I was not interested in it, since it’s a lot of tedious work.

Oh well, it was a great idea, in theory.

I think for future references, okay ideas can seem like a great idea when its late at night;)

Makeup – an additional career?

Recently, I have become obsessed with makeup. Some people would say I was always fixated with it. But I think I was infatuated with it, like I became passionate about collected cool rocks, face masks, seashells, or home remedies. So it’s like anything, it is probably a phase, that I will get all into and forget it soon after.

I have told my parents that I would like to become a makeup artist, in addition to becoming an O.T.A. I got a lot of eyeball rolling and things like, “You can’t be everything, you have to choose one thing and that’s it!”

But of course I had to explain that it’s not like any other job, it would be part time, while I am in school. (Since at one point in the near future I will have to give up my job 😦

I managed to convince myself so much that almost immediately I ordered a nice big set of makeup brushes. When I got it I pranced around the house making everyone look at them and feel them, of course.

I then scheduled my first ‘client’.

My brother in law has one of these huge LED lights that are so bright, by putting one on you feel like you are in a movie-making production.

When I asked him if I can borrow it, I did not offer an explanation. I just asked him if I could borrow it. (I decided it is way better lighting than others and my aunt has a special light for putting on makeup, she is a makeup artist)

His eyebrows went up, “Out of curiosity, why do you want the light?”

“Oh, nothing major.” I giggled. His eyebrows went up a notch.

He looked at me, “I have a client coming, sunday.” I said by way of explanation.

He looked more puzzled than any thing else.

I felt bad, keeping him in suspense so long, and he definitely thought I was up to something retarded (more than usual) he usually sees me in my ‘creative moods’.(The most recent: I was in middle of a cake, and yelled that “NO Way, JOS’E, I do NOT wanna make this.” I closed the recipe book and continued with a different recipe that didn’t exist. That situation happened to be not so bad, there have been worse…)

So I explained that I have a new career.

Sunday morning, he was at my house and he was like “Oh, when is your client coming?”

“Oh, I have to speak to her first”

He and my brother looked at each other.

“I did tell her, but we did not schedule an exact time,” I said a little defensively.

They both looked at each other again and nodded, slowly.

I spoke to her and she came over. I used the side entrance and began to get very into my role.

It was fun! (at least it was for me)

After I was done (and yes, I did a fabulous job, – course I will say so 😉 Although I heard positive feedback from her mother.

I am still not sure if I am definitely doing it. But I was checking it out online and unless I am going to cosmetology school to be licensed, I do not need a license. So YAHOO!! Maybe I can do it part time. They did suggest, though, that I get a job working by a makeup counter.

Ha! Its easy to make people who are pretty prettier, but heaven help me try to make an ugly hag pretty. But maybe that will be the good part, because that’s where the challenge is. (And I love being creative- maybe if someone is beyond help I will paint polka dots on their face and tell them it’s the latest style- I mean the more we cover up the better 😉

That is where the actual rolling up your sleeves and working really comes in, I mean it has to look believable! 😉